quarta-feira, 19 de fevereiro de 2014

"Escócia, desculpas, não desculpas?"

O The Guardian publicou uma lista extremamente cómica e espirituosa com tudo o que os ingleses precisam de pedir desculpa aos escoceses. Para ver se eles não saem da União no próximo setembro:

Está escrita na primeira pessoa e percorre a história comum dos dois países. Tem algumas coisas demasiado locais para serem facilmente entendidas por outsiders, que se sentem quase como private jokes, mas no geral está muito boa. Ficam aqui algumas que me fizeram rir muito alto:

(sobre os escoceses serem mais socialistas que os vizinhos do sul)

2 "So sorry for the years of heartless Conservative governments that you never voted for and that ripped the heart out of the Scottish mining, steel and shipbuilding industries, butchered public services and imposed an unwonted, dismal neo-liberal ethos on a land to which such a callous political and economic philosophy was inimical."

(sobre os ingleses se apropriarem do Andy Murray quando lhes convém)

7 "We're sorry for describing Andy Murray as Scottish when he was rubbish and British when he won Wimbledon. It's just that we don't win much."

(sobre os submarinos nucleares estacionados ao largo da costa escocesa e claramente indesejados)

16 "Sorry, too, for putting Trident nuclear submarines at the Faslane naval base, thus once more transforming blameless parts of Scotland into a nuclear target. Perhaps in retrospect we should have put them nearer London."

(sobre os Jogos Olímpicos de 2012, que só serviram para enriquecer - ainda mais - Londres)

19 "So sorry, what's more, for the 2012 Olympics. We know you paid for quite a lot of it and that most of it took place in London or nearby. With hindsight we can see that taking billions of the nation's taxes and paying them to huge civil engineering firms that build luxury flats that push up London house prices and fatten profits for property developers and local estate agents wasn't fair. If we'd been Scottish, we'd have been quite annoyed."

(sobre os três maiores partidos em Westminster conluírem na recusa irredutível de uma futura união monetária com uma Escócia independente)

23 "On that point, so sorry for the three main Westminster parties saying: "Well, if that's how you're going to be you can't be part of our sterling currency union. Ner ner ner ner ner!". We're just terrible neighbours. Sorry again."

(a Muralha de Adriano e as sucessivas piadas sobre onde acaba a civilização e começam os bárbaros)

26 "Sorry about Hadrian's wall. True, the Romans built it to keep you out but we could have bulldozed it rather than conserving it as a world heritage site and symbol of how civilisation stops – as if! – at Carlisle."

(sobre a Susan Boyle do Britain's Got Talent)

35 "Sorry for being unpleasant about Susan Boyle."

(haha, geografia!)

39 "Sorry for calling Scotland 'northern Britain'"

(HAHA, isto é tão verdade, apesar de ser a mesma moeda os ingleses recusam-se a aceitar pounds vindas do norte!)

43 "Sorry for not accepting Scottish banknotes as legitimate currency south of the border. We all know that RBS is the worst bank in the history of banking, but the Clydesdale bank's notes are OK."

(sobre a mediatização de sítios)

47 "Sorry for the films of JK Rowling's Harry Potter books. In particular that one of the most imposing pieces of Scottish architecture, the railway viaduct at Glenfinnan, is now called the viaduct from the Harry Potter film. Woeful."

(sobre a revolução industrial 'inglesa' e mais umas piadas com nomes inventados)

52 "Sorry for not recognising that the 'English' industrial revolution was unthinkable without Scots engineers – Thomas Telford, James Watt, John Loudon McAdam, Lena Zavaroni and Wee Dougie McSporran."

(sobre a língua inglesa)

56 "Sorry for making you speak English. To be fair, you could always stop if you become independent. The Americans didn't when they went independent, but you could make your national language Gaelic if you go it alone. We're just saying."

(ai, os Tudor, aquela família de chanfrados)

61 "Sorry for what we did to Mary Queen of Scots. True, she was trying to topple her cousin, Elizabeth I of England, and install herself on the throne but executing her was a bit rich. Especially that bit when the executioner held up her decapitated head and her wig fell off."
(hihi, as ligações a Londres :) )
71 "Sorry for being so unfriendly when you arrive at Euston or King's Cross."
(sobre um potencial exército escocês)
74 "Sorry for laughing at the prospects for your army in an independent Scotland. Of course you could always use it to invade the Faroe Islands if nothing else."
(e, finalmente, a desculpa pelo tempo que levou a desculpa)
76 "Ultimately, so very sorry for taking so long to say sorry. It's just that we've done so much bad stuff that we've had to say lots of other sorrys before we got to you. (...)"
O autor manteve o cinismo tipicamente inglês em muitas delas mas nem sempre se consegue perceber onde ele está ou onde está a sinceridade (que também me parece estar presente, na medida em que pode haver sinceridade num texto inerentemente humorístico). Mas é precisamente por este cinismo camuflado que o humor britânico (inglês? Fico baralhada com tanto overlap de identidade) é tão genial.


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